ANXIETY: How I Feel, Shown in Makeup

 

Hey everyone. So I wanted to start this new video series that will be posted on Mondays. Essentially, I love doing makeup, but I’m not a guru or anything. I wanted to do some makeup videos but I don’t just want to talk about makeup. I want to use makeup as an avenue to talk about some more serious things, particularly stuff that has a stigma such as mental health.

(By the way, if you’re only here for the makeup information it is all the way at the bottom of this page.)

So for this first video I wanted to talk about my anxiety and just some general info about anxiety while I do a makeup look that kind of brings what I’m feeling inside to the outside.

This is how I feel put artistically on my face

Anxiety for me has felt a lot like being trapped in my own head. Even when I know it’s irrational, I can’t get out of the cycle of bad thoughts and what almost feels like my mind is shaking from fear like inside of me. It’s a really strange feeling, and it’s hard to describe to you if you haven’t experienced it. So, I’m trying my best, but just bear with my awkward descriptions.

Also, for me, anxiety never really shuts up. I often refer to it as like a voice. But it’s really not. It’s not like actual words that I can hear, it’s just like one part of my brain is on a constant loop of a general feeling or essence of bad thoughts and insults directed at me.

The flip side of these feelings of anxiety is that my mind feels like it’s going at a million miles an hour all the time. It can be annoying if I am feeling that insult essence particularly badly that day. BUT, it has also been something that allows my mind to work quickly and focus on many things at once. In many ways it has made me highly productive, until one day, I just break. Then I’m not productive at all and I have a depressive episode. Those can last anywhere from a couple days to 5 or 6 months.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety for about a decade. From the time I was a really young child I was obsessive and anal retentive and really just high strung. But the real snapping point for me was when I hit puberty. Anxiety became a strong and daily struggle for me the same month that I started my first period. I started to ostracize myself from friends and family and I started to have panic attacks.

For two years I struggled in silence. And it was terrible, I lost a lot of friends and I lost out on a lot of fun opportunities. Finally at 16 and a half I went to my parents with how terrible this was for me and they signed me up for therapy. Therapy helped, I learned to look at my thoughts as kind of disembodied and decide actively which ones I wanted to interact with. This helped me a lot, but it didn’t shut that loop of bad thoughts I refer to as my “anxiety voice”.

I only stayed in therapy for a few months, but I struggled with anxiety and depression for years after that. If you’ve seen my first video on this channel then you know I had a kind of mental break recently just from being at such a low point with everything I was doing in my life. I had a very difficult time pulling out of that period of depression. I sought therapy through my university, which I then had to leave thanks to leaving the university (as you can see in my last post). I had about 6 months off of therapy before I realized I couldn’t do this alone.

I restarted therapy with a new counselor who suggested I try medication. It wasn’t the first time I had received that suggestion. In fact, I had first been given the option of a prescription 8 years ago. I had always denied taking any medication because of several reasons. One, I was afraid of the side effects, particularly the darkening or suicidal thoughts listed in commercials. Two, I was afraid of changing my brain. Two of my friends became very angry after starting medication in high school. And I was also afraid of losing that high functioning, quick, and productive edge anxiety gave to my ability to accomplish a lot at once as I mentioned earlier. Thirdly, I was afraid of the stigma. I felt as though I somehow was failing at taking care of myself if I have to rely on medication.

Let’s debunk those myths shall we? It’s important to note that a very very small number of people have any trouble with the suicidal thought style of side effects. A responsible doctor will slowly increase your dosage to the necessary amount over a longer period of time to decrease your chances for side effects. If you and your doctor and family and friends and anyone you’d like to talk to can help you monitor your moods there’s no reason to fear.

My second issue was with changing my brain. This is mostly an issue for people under the age of 24. The younger you are the more likely you are to see more alteration of mood for good or for bad. Now I’m 23, so the decision is easier for me. I definitely recommend not taking medication until you’ve tried non-pharmaceutical remedies like therapy, increasing exercise, and decreasing stress, if you are young. But you should still take medication if you and your doctor feel like it will be helpful to you.

My third issue was the stigma. This one is just dumb. It’s not dumb to notice the stigma, society has taught you it exists and that is your, and my, reality now. But the fact that the stigma exists is stupid. No one would question you for taking antibiotics to remove infection, or antihistamines to stop you from sneezing in the spring. But taking medicine that helps you hold onto seratonin, etc.? Well call the presses, we have a crazy person who needs a crutch to get through the day! (Sarcasm…obviously.) Recognizing that you need assistance and seeking that assistance is considered strong in leadership, and it is strong in your daily life and health care as well. At the end of the day, it is most important that you do what is right for you and what allows you to function in the world the way you want to function.

Needless to say, I made the decision to start an SSRI (more info here), Zoloft. I’m just now finishing my second week and I’m only on the lowest adult dose. But I feel the benefits. I’m sure I’ll update you in future posts, as well.

The point I want to make here is: talking about these things de-stigmatizes them. I struggled. And getting therapy and medication have been some of the best and wisest decisions I made. Don’t let some archaic idea that therapy and medication are for the weak stop you from making a decision that could save your life, or at the very least save your quality of life. You do what you need to do to feel like a person, and that is the end of that discussion. Ignore stigmas. Fight bullies. Seek help. Be happy.

And always feel you can reach out to someone. If you don’t have anyone in your life consider these resources as an alternative:

(Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, psychologist, or any sort of mental health professional. I am only a girl who struggled and is sharing her story to help others find the courageous part of them to seek help from a mental health professional. My advice and statements are anecdotal and may not apply to you, but I hope they will help you go find a doctor who can help design a mental health plan that works for you.)

Okay, now let’s talk about the makeup look.

My base is my normal foundation. But when I brought in the contour and highlight I attempted to make my face look sharper. To me, anxiety feels sharp. It feels like I’m hard for other to get close to. It feels like something cold and angular is trying to bust out of my mind. I did my best to represent this sharpness with a sharp and over-exaggerated contour and highlight. I admit I still need a great deal of improvement on this particular makeup skill.

For blush and eyeshadow I had the same general concept in mind. I wanted my cheeks and temples to be flushed with a dark red. This represents embarrassment as well as the redness and heat I feel during the heart-racing of a panic attack. My eyes were also caked in red. Generally no one wants red around the eyes, but anxiety is also something no one wants. The redness around the eye is like sleep deprivation, crying, and just makes the eyes look generally more sunken and evil like the anxiety monster they are trying to contain.

I brought in the inhuman factor of your feelings when you get trapped in your head by anxiety with my eyes as well. To do this I inverted what you would expect by applying white winged eyeliner and white on my eyelashes too.

And finally, I seal it all together with an ombre lip made with a dark red and black. Anxiety is often silenced, and I believed the darkness of the lips represented them being ignored and angry.

If you want to get this look, order the products below by clicking the links, or post your own look in the comments here or on the YouTube video for an Instagram shout out:

FACE:

COVERGIRL Smoothers Lightweight BB Cream Light to Medium 810, 1.35 oz

Maybelline New York Age Rewind Brightener

Maybelline Dream Brightening Concealer

L’Oréal Infallible Pro Matte Foundation

Essence Matte Setting Powder

Hoola Bronzer

E.L.F. Blush Dark

-Essence eyeshadow: Snowflake

EYES:

Maybelline concealer stick: white

-Wet n Wild eyeshadow

NYX Perfect Filter: Rustic Antique

Makeup Revolution: Mermaids Forever

Essence eyeliner: white

NYX liquid eyeliner: white

Wet N Wild lash primer

Milani Length in Seconds Lash Fiber

L’Oréal Lash Paradise

 

And that’s all folks! Hope I helped and I hope you enjoyed this! See you Wednesday for travel!

 

Step 1: Removing Hardware and Built-ins

So now that we have a camper, we know where it is damaged (and we know where it is ugly), what do we do to fix that? Well it’s time for a renovation, of course! And that means demolition is in our future.

However, before we can just start ripping things out, we have a lot that needs to be carefully removed, thrown away, or painted externally to the camper, and carefully re-installed when the item is finished.

The first order of business (which I don’t have pictures of, sorry!) was removing the ugly fabric. Let me give you a short step by step to help with this process. (At this point you’ve probably realized there are a lot of cushions in your way. Just take them inside and deposit them in a low traffic area, you’re not going to need them for a couple of weeks.)

1. Remove the valance like objects first. These are fabric pieces stapled to the wood extrusions that hold up the curtains. In order to not damage the wood veneer of the walls or the wood pieces themselves, you’ll want a pair of needle-nose pliers to help pull out the staples. Protip: wear some gloves if you’re smart. I am not smart and the pliers’ rubber grip rubbed a raw spot on my palm, AND I got stabbed by a staple. 

2. Once you’ve gotten the valances off, you need to remove the curtains. In our camper, a small square headed screw prevented the curtains from sliding out of the end of their tracks. I removed the screws and slid the curtains out and straight into a garbage bag.  

3. Remove the tracks the curtains were in. This isn’t really fabric removal, but you might as well do it now. Our tracks were made of a plastic material, if yours are a thin metal the same process will work. Ours were stapled in. If yours were nailed in you can use this method, but if you have screws you will need to go fetch your drill. Basically, the best way to remove these is to just pry them out. If you’re my husband, that means with your fingertips. However, if you’re me, you’ll want a method a bit less strenuous. I recommend a small crowbar (but even a metal ruler will help. A flathead screwdriver is another option.) Just start at one end and carefully pry them away. In order to preserve the wood pieces (which is important because these wood pieces serve as supports for the bunk beds above), you need to pry more and pull less. Go a couple inches at a time instead of trying to quickly rip the whole thing out at once! 

4. Now you’re mostly done. Yay us!! Look around for any miscellaneous fabricked surfaces. In my case, the front of the sofa bed and the top of the camper doorway had a shin and head guard, respectively, made of fabric. The sofa bed piece was actually attached with screws, and we unscrewed them and then just threw the whole piece away, interior wood piece, fabric, screws, and all. The head piece in the door way is still there. One: because I forgot it. Two: because it’s helping my husband not hit his head while we renovate, so I’ll wait and replace it later, once I have fabric picked out. 

 

Now, we have removed all the fabric bits, so it’s time for everything else. The general rule of thumb here is to remove anything that can be easily detached and reattached later. Right now I just want to get it out of the camper where it will be less likely to be harmed when we rip up the floor. That also means we don’t need to bother taking off handles and nonsense from the removed cabinet doors just yet, we’ll do that later. For now, we just need to remove the hinges from the cabinets and walls and take the entire doors, including hinges, inside to store for bit.

 

There is no real step by step for this. Instead just unscrew everything and get it out of there. Below you can see what ours looks like once we’ve taken everything out of it. We also went ahead and pulled up the old linoleum. That was easy as much of it was water damaged and you could easily rip it off the floor. We trimmed the linoleum around the cabinets and walls using a box cutter for a clean edge.

 

PICTURES

Here we have the view from the door of the sofa that turns into bed number 2. In this picture we have the linoleum ripped up so you can see the subfloor and some water stains indicating water damage and potential rot.

Before                  After

Here’s a view of the sofa from the far end of the camper, you can see the light coming in the door to the right. All the cabinets have been removed but I took this picture before we ripped up the linoleum.

Before                 After

 
Next we’ve got the kitchen, cabinets have been removed, linoleum is still down. Check out that hideous wallpaper!! I can’t wait to paint over it.

Before                 After

 

The next four pictures are the bathroom area. First we had to take the whole door off, then inside the bathroom the cabinets and movable fixtures were removed. We ended up removing the threshold pieces from the bathroom door and the middle of the kitchen floor. However, we don’t plan to tear up the floor in the bathroom since it is structurally sound. For now we’re leaving the linoleum down until we get new tile or tile linoleum.

Before

After

Cabinets were easy to remove. These built in benches were a little more difficult. As you can see everyone pitched in a hand, or paw, to help. The benches were screwed in from the outside wall and the screw heads were underneath the outer paneling. We removed the visible screws, then pulled the boards off of the outer wall screws. Finally we cut the protruding screw heads from the wall with a bolt cutter. Yay for making up procedures!

Before

Finally got those out! You can also see a metal box on the floor. We unwired it before removing the subfloor. It’s a converter for the electrical system, and we marked each wire with masking tape to match the diagram provided on the converter itself, that way we can easily rewire it later.

After

Final before and after showing the kitchen and the dining area/main bed.

Before                                   After

Now, all we have to do is start demo on the floor! Sign up for my email list to get notified when that is posted. OR tune in here next Friday, to see the continuation of this series.

I Bought a Camper!

So you don’t know this yet, but I love vintage items. This particular camper isn’t as old as I would like (the ideal would be 1940s-1960s era), but for the price (only $2000) this is a great find for a fixer upper!

The camper in question is a 1984 Sunline model, 17 foot total which means the interior is about 13 feet by 8 feet. It can technically sleep 4 adults and 2 children, though I never want to put that many people in it.

We found it in great condition, with very little damage and everything working. The fridge, bathroom facilities, and pumps all work. It did not come with AC and neither us nor the previous owner’s tested the heater, so we’ll have to wait for an update on that one. The only damages were: some external leaks which had been repaired, and some water damages to the floor making it softer in places. But we plan to fix that!

So without further ado! A tour of the camper.

Here we have the outside of the trailer! For now it will stay this lovely shade of 80s brown, because I first plan to tackle the interior. But as you can see from this photo it could be best describer as small and ugly. (But with a new working awning, definitely grateful for that!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, I’m showing the view as you immediately enter the door. There is what passes as a “sofa”, which has a bench piece that extend the sofa out into a twin bed. You can also see on the far wall there is a small cabinet. It is a half sized closet hanging space. Below it there is a pull out counter top piece that serves as a sort of desk.

   

 

 

Next is a frontal view of the sofa, taken from a standing point at the other end of the camper. You can see some storage above it, that storage folds down to a tiny human sized bunk. You can also see the kitchen counter a bit to the right of the photo, and, you can barely see it, the left side of the photo is where the bathroom door is.

 

 

 

 

 

This is the best photo of the kitchen I could get. It’s taken from the viewpoint of the sofa. You can see the tiny working sink, tiny working oven, tiny working stove-top, and tiny but useful cabinets. Underneath this construct is the main drinking water tank. We determined there was no water damage to the flooring under the cabinets, so we can avoid the headache of moving them.

 

 

 

Finally, here we have the other side of the camper. The bed you can see is the larger of the two beds located at the back of the camper. It converts into a table by lifting up a center piece and deploying its fold away legs. Above this bed there is another child size bunk that can be doubled as storage.

 

 

 

 

 

Just around the corner of the last image, meaning across from the kitchen next to the table/bed, there is the refrigerator. As you can see in the image below, MORE HIDEOUS BROWN PANELING. Who let this happen in the 80s anyway?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, the tiny camper bathroom. Located directly across from the kitchen. It has a small but fairly normal toilet, a tiny sink, and a shower with a built in seat. The shower and the sink faucets are on and the same, connected together. The shower itself is a bit too tiny for my husband, but will fit me just fine. It will also function as a perfect foot washing and puppy washing station.

 

 

 

 

So there you have it! The grand tour!! We will be replacing the subfloor, the flooring itself, painting, recovering the cushions, making new curtains, installing an air conditioner, and even resurfacing the tub/sink/toilet all in the vintage style of the 50s travel trailer glory days! We have a lot of work coming our way. But it will be worth it! Stay tuned for updates, include the next two installments of demo day!